Insurance Schemes the World Needs

[1] "Insurance is a tool to combat the variance in life. It lets us pay a premium to soften the small chance of a very bad thing — car accidents, house fires, etc. So why not these insurance plans?"

[2] Gambler's Insurance: "Gambling problems? With this plan, your monthly payments are used to purchase stock in casinos. That way, your gambling losses become investment profits!"

[3] "But my share of profits is tiny compared to what I lose at the craps table!" "Ah, perhaps you should consider our deluxe plan, which is called 'Not Gambling.'"

[4] Crappy TV Finale Insurance: "You're starting a new TV show. Maybe the finale will be a 'Breaking Bad'-esque triumph, but maybe you'll suffer a 'How I Met Your Mother'-level disappointment. So why not pay $100 for an ending that's guaranteed to be bland but satisfying?"

[5] "Wow! How do you guarantee that?!" "Oh, I'll just replace it with an episode of 'Modern Family.'"

[6] Supermarket Line Insurance: "Variable line length? We can promise a wait of precisely six minutes!"

[7] "I told you we needed insurance." "How could I have known the cashier would be ringing up each grape individually?"

[8] Bad First Date Insurance: "Sick of lousy first dates? This plan guarantees you a partner with whom you're superficially compatible but unlikely ever to marry, making for a spark-less but pleasant evening."

[9] "Sounds like a generic dead-end relationship." "Ah, so you're familiar with our services!"

[10] Job Interview Insurance: "Instead of taking the interview yourself — which could lead to a home run, or a humiliation — let us take the interview for you. Our generic answers will neither enhance nor damage your chances."

[11] Interviewer: "We want our employees to feel comfortable asking for help when they need it. Does that describe you?" Agent: "Well, judging by my presence here, yes."

[12] Slow Highway Lane Insurance: "If you're afraid of picking the slow lane in heavy traffic, invest in this plan! You'll never be the slowest thing on the road again."

[13] "Leave me the keys. Walk the rest of the way. I'll park in your usual spot." "I'm so glad I bought this plan."

[14] White Christmas Insurance: "Dreaming of a white Christmas? For a low monthly rate, we can guarantee you a pleasant white powdering on Christmas day."

[15] [A tree dusted white] "Wait, what is this stuff? Baby powder?" "Hey, you bought a plan for 'white,' not 'snowy.'"

[16] Insurance Insurance: "Frustrated with buying insurance that you never actually need? Purchase this plan, and if you don't wind up collecting on another insurance plan, we can reimburse you part of your payments."

[17] "But what if I do need my other insurance, so I never collect on this plan?" "Perhaps I can interest you in our Insurance Insurance Insurance…"