A Mathematician's Résumé-Building Tips
Ten ways a mathematician spins a weak résumé: 99th percentile chronologically, a private study of temporal relativity, a bijection onto a whole measure theory class, and a fake proof that you are the ideal candidate.
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Cartoon by Ben Orlin, Math with Bad Drawings. https://cartoons.mathwithbaddrawings.com/2017-11-08-a-mathematician-s-r-sum-building-tips/ (CC BY-NC 4.0)Transcript
[1] No experience because you just finished college? 'Of all my university's graduates, I'm at the 99th percentile, chronologically.'
[2] Fired for lateness? 'I have made a private study of temporal relativity.'
[3] Got people coffee? 'I supplied the raw material for important theorems.'
[4] Understand programming but can't program? 'I am proficient in all computer languages*' (*please specify a language 6–12 months in advance).
[5] Theoretical work with no conceivable applications? 'My research is equally applicable to deep learning, bioinformatics, human immortality, and defense against the dark arts.'
[6] Bad social skills? 'I have drawn comparisons to Sir Isaac Newton.'
[7] Took half a measure theory class? 'I took an entire measure theory class, under a bijective mapping.'
[8] Boss yelled at you for playing Sudoku? 'My manager publicly noted my diligence with logical, analytical tasks.'
[9] GPA not that great? 'I compared my GPA to that of a 4.0 student (n = 1) and detected no statistically significant difference.'
[10] When all else fails: solve an inconsistent system to get 0 = 1, then multiply by (Me − Your Ideal Candidate) to 'prove' Your Ideal Candidate = Me.