Which "Mean" Do You Mean?

[1] Arithmetic Mean: sum of data, divided by n. [One person with all the cookies] "Worry not, friends! We have, on average, two cookies each."

[2] Geometric Mean: product of data, to the nth root. A: "Wait, we lost 28%… then we gained 28%… and somehow that's an average loss of 4%?" B: "Sure, the mean of 1.28 and 0.72 is 0.96. Everyone knows that."

[3] Harmonic Mean: n over sum of reciprocals of data. A: "How fast did you run?" B: "Half a mile at 15.5 mph, then I got tired and did half a mile at 0.5 mph… so on average, 8 mph. Not bad!" A: "So why'd a 1-mile run take you over an hour?" B: "Oh, you want the *harmonic* mean? Weird flex, but okay."

[4] Slothometric Mean: one data point, treated as universal. A: "Sorry, people don't care for radishes." B: "Based on actual data? Or are you just extrapolating from your own preference?" A: "My preference *is* data."

[5] Politicometric Mean: a fancy way of saying "median." [Signs: "EAT THE RICH" · "LET THE RICH EAT US"; in the middle, the MEAN VOTER: "anyone know where I can get a soft pretzel?"]

[6] FOMO-metric Mean: sum of the data, divided by the number of data points NOT included. A: "Wow, your Instagram makes your average day look magical." B: "But everybody else's makes my average day look like bread mold."

[7] Resumétric Mean: sum of your data, plus other people's data, plus maybe a little more data you invented, divided by n. [Résumé: "As project manager, I was responsible for several projects → thousands of projects → works such as gods envy and men worship in terror"]

[8] Vaguemetric Mean: some of the data, divided by "eh." A: "Come join us in the multilevel marketing of pyramids!" B: "How many pyramids does the average person sell?" A: "Thousands!" Pyramid: "Yes, zero thousands."